Suffering

A time comes when you do everything, listen to everyone, attend every detail, find every joy, feel every pain, but yet you feel something missing, something not right. You can't pinpoint, or worse, you can't correct it.
What can you do then? Your ego won't let you apologize to people you have hurt, your selfishness won't let you stop manipulating the world for yourself, your humanity won't let you go evil without remorse, your fellow-feeling pains you when you hurt people -- in a sense, you are the most confused creature. You wish you break a few barriers, take a few bold decisions, blurt out some truth, bleed, cry, run crazy. But alas, there are so many conflicting emotions that you just don't do anything, you just let yourself rot -- rot to the point when there's no coming back, rot in a way where even the most rotten state doesn't seem to matter.
And then? You don't know -- you're not yet there, but as is said, "worse than war is the fear of war" -- you're pretty scared of what to come, you're not even sure it's coming, you just suffer! Mind you, this suffering is not like your daily dose of pains and depressions, this is different. This is rotting of the soul, disintegration of yourself, where there is no sympathy, no reason even -- just the suffering!